ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize