glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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