I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
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FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
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Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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