That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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