if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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