i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
