when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
