what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
