I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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