saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
