I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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