I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
