just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just high enough for therapy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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