I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
