you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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