I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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