There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
