I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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