4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
