I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
