Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
