the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
