We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
