Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
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