we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
