meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
