I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
