So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
