She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Randomize
