Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
