my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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