I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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