She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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