youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
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You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
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I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode