I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.