he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.