Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!