The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
