how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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