I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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