She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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