You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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