If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
