Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
