you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
