He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
two words...techno handjob
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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