From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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