He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
this hospital has no fireball
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
