cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
