Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
