my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i've created a new STD.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
