I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
