Apparently you make a good broom.
I just threw up on my dentist
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
