my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I pour the whiskey from now on
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
