He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
