You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Boobs speak an international language.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
