You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
