Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
