would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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