# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
