Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
