I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
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Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize