I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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