I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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