every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
